Ok my goat’s in a bind here. Look, I chose to move to Arizona. WE chose to live here, and I chose to give Arizona State University too much money for my doctoral work but I am really embarrassed right now. We were stoked to here President Obama is the commencement speaker this year, and I have a few friends who will graduate. I even considered groveling for tickets. Today I hear that he is not being awarded an honorary degree from ASU! This man has an honorary degree from Notre Dame. What does ASU have that ND doesn’t have? Porn obsessed drunk Playboy junkies? Come on!

According to Sharon Keeler, ASU Media Relations Director, those awards are for “achievements of eminence”. Really? Come on, Sharon. You’re an idiot. Talk about the President of the free friggin’ world and the first black at that not achieving greatness?! What about bring the first black president of the Harvard Law Review? How about the grass roots campaign that raised millions of dollars to help OUR country?! How about writing two best sellers!? Not enough, still?

According to the ASU State Press (reported in Huffington Post), ASU President Michael Crow told the committee that “significant contributions to education and society over the course of a person’s career merit consideration for an honorary degree.” Crow, you’re an idiot, too. You’ve been screwing up ASU for too long now. When I started taking classes there, you could take a class for about a grand. You don’t even want to know how much that costs now!

Let’s talk about some of the real reasons Sharon and Mike have their heads shoved up their…. well, let’s just talk about the reasons. 1# John McCain. The crotchety old republican sucks. He’s so damn wishy-washy. I remember a decade ago that I could admit to liking the man, and then he started bending over for Bush. This is a McCain state (even though you almost lost it, you idiot.) 2# Mormons. Now don’t get me wrong, I know some cool cool Mormons. Most are students who are learning how to be realistic Americans, but there are some idiots there. When you have as much money as they do, you can buy whatever you want (e.g. Prop 102 in AZ and Prop 8 in CA. And don’t even deny it!) Obama doesn’t play that game and wouldn’t let you control him, so you don’t show him the love. 3# Because ASU is racist. How many black people have honorary degrees from there? Count them. Do it. Let me know. 4# Because Mike and Sharon SUCK. They’re idiots.